I’m tired. Feel a soreness in my throat. Already late in the morning. I feel myself going into reaction mode. But how can I change if I keep doing the same things? Keep reacting to sensatons thoughts and situations the same way?
I cannot change ME. I can’t do it. That’s a huge battle. Me is a whole pattern of processing, reactions, history.
But I can choose to walk new. To walk in a new mind, through a new world, by seeing through different eyes.
I can’t battle my”self”. Why? To battle myself, the concept of “me” directly, I feel like I’m asking myself to kill itself. It is an entity. It strives for self preservation, to maintain its emotional continuity.
What if instead of always being myself, and trying to do things bigger than I have done before using old tools that haven’t yielded the results I wanted in the past, what if I just be the self I want to be? What if I just ask, “if I were my higher power, my true self, if I were “will the real Beiar Freiman please stand up, please stand up?” how will I respond in this moment? What will be my next true action? What choice, what thought, what movement is the movement I would want to be doing if I was the man I imagine, the spirit, when I have reached that mystical and elusive place called “when I have all my shit together, I will behave differently (but now I just gotta keep doing the same old thing bashing through walls to get there)”?
What happens when I just check in with one of my higher powers, these imaginary selves we all hope to be one day, and take his council, be him who I want to be, just in that little moment?


About noah crowe

I was born without a name. Later my family named me Noah Crowe. Crowe is my father's last name. I am an artist. Rather, I am a human being, seeking to know what I am. I am writing this blog to document my quest to know who I am in this world for my unborn son (and/or daughter). My father never passed on his journey to me, and I believe that it is story and ritual that informs our world; the worlds we live in, internally and externally. This is my way of giving myself, and my potential son, a window into this process of finding spiritual meaning and service in a culture that I find to lack the foundation of integration between the spiritual, the communal, and the societal.
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